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Football Team Blames Loss on Linux 142

jaxon_brooks writes: "I guess if you can't blame yourself, you gotta blame something?!?! 'Ravens (-7 1/2) at Browns: Ravens Coach Brian Billick faults last week's defensive breakdown on team's switch to Linux operating system.'" Maybe the team got caught up playing Same Game?
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Football Team Blames Loss on Linux

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  • by Anonymous Coward on Saturday October 20, 2001 @08:04AM (#2454316)
    For the benefit of the humor-impaired, Norman Chad's weekly sports columns are very funny and almost completely fictional.
    • Hey Moderators. Someone moderated the post I'm responding to down as a 'troll,' but it's the only accruate post here thus far. Please moderate this back up. The cited article is a humor column, folks.

    • This article is full of wittiness, so I seriously doubt the Linux statement was meant to be taken seriously. Some examples:

      "You don't have to hit me over the head 10 times before I understand a trend.

      Geez, why didn't I pay attention to numbers before this? The path to Easy Street is paved with stats!

      Marty Schottenheimer won't rewrite Redskins playbook but will send it to Hollywood script doctors for "tweaking"

      In "Of Human Bondage," Somerset Maugham wrote, "People ask you for criticism, but they only want praise." So let me say this -- I think the Falcons have the potential to tackle well.

      Nobody hits harder than John Lynch. Well, except for my ex-wife.

      Ravens Coach Brian Billick faults last week's defensive breakdown on team's switch to Linux operating system.

      Herman Edwards can wear NYPD hat on sideline, but Curtis Martin should lose that big pad of parking tickets in his back pocket.

      Peyton Manning's performance Sunday night blamed on having a TV commercial jingle stuck in his head.

      If you play Cardinals game film backward, I believe there's a satanic message. "

      See a trend?
      • The trend is that several years ago most of this guy's readers and possibly himself as well would have said "What's a Linux?", now lot's of people who'd still say "What's a Slashdot?" are aware that there's an operating system for PCs other than Windows. That's what makes this guy's mention of Linux worth mentioning on Slashdot. That, and blaming a football game loss on an operating system switch is funny because it's so ridiculous.

        Of course it would have been both funnier and more believable if he'd said that the loss was blamed on an organization wide "upgrade" to a newer version of their MS operating system. Or installing the latest Service Pack.

    • by dgroskind ( 198819 ) on Saturday October 20, 2001 @09:55AM (#2454457)

      For the benefit of the humor-impaired...

      To undersand the joke here it helps to know that Brian Billick is known [] for using his Powerbook and Excel98 to select plays during the game.

    • Your warning's not for the humour-impaired; it's for those who don't follow sports. I read the column in question, and saw nothing particularly absurd. I did skim over a few bits, though. Why should one assume that anyone, especially on this site of all sites, is sufficiently well-versed with sports of all things to detect a fraud? Much like the hoi polloi cannot tell when a computer in a movie is laughable, neither can we the literati distinguish the nuances of the pastime of thugs.

      I'd an English professor once whose theory was that football served one redeeming social purpose: keeping criminals off the streets. I think it serves another: it keeps the proles happy. Feed them their watery beer, let them watch a bunch of beasts assault one another for a few hours and allow their energies be channeled into that most pointless of acts--rooting for their teams. It also serves as a warning for us: if one sees a picture of one's co-worker stripped to the waist, painted with obscure symbols and numbers, wearing a ridiculous head-piece, one knows that he can hardly be taken seriously.

      • Wow, that post was filled to the brim with ignorant assumptions. So tell us, oh mentally superior one, what is it that people of higher intellect, more propensity to abide the law and overall less beastly features do to pass their free time?
      • if one sees a picture of one's co-worker stripped to the waist, painted with obscure symbols and numbers, wearing a ridiculous head-piece

        If it's the co-worker I'm thinking of, it means it's Solstice and I'm about to get reeeal lucky with her!

      • I'm not big on following sports either, but the part about running the film backwards and seeing a Satanic message made the invisible satire tags pretty obvious.
      • It also serves as a warning for us: if one sees a picture of one's co-worker stripped to the waist, painted with obscure symbols and numbers, wearing a ridiculous head-piece, one knows that he can hardly be taken seriously.

        This is the only amusing thing in this otherwise vitriolic post. Reminded of the 'facepainter' episode in Seinfeld, I LMAO.
        • "This is the only amusing thing in this otherwise vitriolic post."

          Vitriolic? The artificially pretentious language used should've made it sufficiently clear that the author was either joking or insane. I could certainly understand if the post was just "Football is for stupid people" or something similar, but the poster went well out of his way to create an amusing, over-the-top statement that at the same time had a ring of truth to it (with regard to non-sports fans missing the inherent humor in the article).

          And I find it even more amusing that numerous members of the Slashdot crowd failed to catch the rather blatant humor in a post in a thread titled "File this one under Humor".

      • You apparently believe that humor and absurdity are inseparable. This is no more true than stating that smug pseudo-intellectualism and Americans who use British spelling are inseparable. Perhaps it's even less true.
      • we the literati

        We the nerderati, maybe, but probably not the literati.
  • Heh, heh. (Score:2, Offtopic)

    by Black Parrot ( 19622 )

    I guess this gives us a new take on the term "astroturfing", eh?
  • The writer's "comments" are all made up...the Ravens didn't blame Linux, the Cardinals did NOT have a satanic message, and Manning...well, maybe he DID have a jingle stuck in his head...
    • Of course we've not noticed--how many of us on Slashdot care for sports? A bunch of grown men running around in Spandex, chasing a little ball and patting one another on the rear. That's surely the way I want to spend my free time!

      Not that I'm against sports qua sports. It's no doubt very useful to the constitution to get outdoors and play. I myself enjoy fencing very much: the only exercise of the gentleman. No, what upsets me is the idolatry of sports. Why must taxpayers finance stadiums? Why must grown men derive their pride not from their own actions, or those of their and family and circle of aquaintance, but rather from the illusory gains of strangers?

      Pro `wrestling' is the reductio ad absurdem of professional sports in general. The players aren't even really playing: it is drama for the postliterate, a bestial form of primitive theatre.

      If the time and energy spent on sports in this country were instead spent on, say, feeding the poor and other charities, we would have a much better world.

      And I'd never have to find a favourite television programme interrupted, a sales tax raised to fund a stadium I'll never visit or traffic jam on an otherwise fine day.

      • by Anonymous Coward
        If the time and energy spent on slashdot in this country were instead spent on, say, feeding the poor and other charities, we would have a much better world.
      • Sporting events bring a lot of money that benefits a community. The NFL donates a lot of money and players time to the United Way.

        Look at what the Super Bowl does for the city that hosts it. Millions of dollars are spent that would not otherwise if the game wasnt there.
  • by Bruce Perens ( 3872 ) <> on Saturday October 20, 2001 @08:11AM (#2454326) Homepage Journal
    This is what happens when you leave the operating system design up to a pencil-necked geek from Helsinki. Everyone knows that Finns can't play football. And look at this guy, he's married to the 3-time women's karate champion of Finland. What do you think it does to a guy to get up in the morning, knowing that his wife could beat the tar out of him any time she wants to?

    So, now we've got IBM and other big companies on Linux development, and those guys only know from golf! There they go, yapping about "enterprise Linux", and still they can't mount a good defense. Ah heck, we might as well go back to DOS. Now, there's an operating system with a strong offensive.


  • Ahhh! (Score:5, Funny)

    by mESSDan ( 302670 ) on Saturday October 20, 2001 @08:25AM (#2454347) Homepage
    What they meant was that they couldn't run any defensive "simulations" by playing Madden 2002. Doh!
    • Interestingly, if you watch the Fox pre-game shows, they use the Madden engine to diagram defensive and offensive set-ups and simulations. In theory, teams could use those same types of simulations rather than the typical X and O diagrams on the chalkboard.
  • by TZ180 ( 514951 ) on Saturday October 20, 2001 @08:32AM (#2454359) Homepage
    They should have switched to FreeBSD! They might (would) have won then.

  • grep -r linux http://*.*.???/ |

  • Wrong sport (Score:5, Funny)

    by OuD ( 527033 ) on Saturday October 20, 2001 @08:34AM (#2454361) Homepage
    No wonder they lost, everyone knows know Linux and *BSD are designed for ice-hockey.. just ask Pittsburg and New Jersey.
  • The reason (Score:5, Funny)

    by S.I.O. ( 180787 ) on Saturday October 20, 2001 @08:38AM (#2454367)
    They forgot how to perform the "Blue death" secret defense trick.
  • go bears! our work release convicts and out of work club bouncers are kicking ass! too bad when they cash them checks and start gobbling up the crack it will all end. or maybe not... richard dent used to mangle quarterbacks magnificently thanks to the miracle properties of cocaine!

    (now for the not off-topic part and supports the main topic.)

    the bears never lost a game because of Linux! (at least as far as we know.)

    thank you very much.

    • And you know here, mongo (steve mcmichaels) said we were gonna be a practice squad this year at the cub game where he got ejected for singing take me out to the ball game after heckeling the ump. EAT IT MONGO! GO BEARS!
    • by averyjt ( 455209 )
      I believe that's "...pigs and commies..."
    • Da Bears...they don't lose because of an operating system, they lose them because da Coaches don't play to win, they play to not lose. Didn't you see the Bears vs. Cardinals game ?

  • by Denor ( 89982 ) <> on Saturday October 20, 2001 @08:52AM (#2454381) Homepage

    People, you're well aware at this point that the editors don't check the links in the articles submitted. Luckily, I managed to actually click on it before a lot of people saw the article. I'm warning you, don't click on it!

    No, it's not a link to goatse, whatever sick bastard sent this in linked to a place far, far worse. Don't click!

    I'm telling you, if you go there, you'll have horrible flashbacks to high-school gym! You'll get locker-induced claustrophobia all over again! It'll be like listening to everyone drone on and on about the latest game while you say nothing in order to disguise the fact that you didn't watch it! Yes, you're suspecting now so I'll just say it right out:

    They linked to a sports site!

    Run! Flee! Don't make the same mistake I did!!!

    • Re:Don't do it! (Score:1, Insightful)

      by Anonymous Coward
      Actually, for Linux, a sportswriter knowing it exists is a good sign.
  • by gnurd ( 455798 ) on Saturday October 20, 2001 @09:01AM (#2454388) Homepage
    i blame the need for my university to switch to a free operating system on the disproportinate budget of the football team.
  • by simpleguy ( 5686 ) on Saturday October 20, 2001 @09:03AM (#2454390) Homepage
    Dave Letterman can now blame the long lasting defeats of the "Fighting Cardinals" on Linux too

  • by Lurking Grue ( 3963 ) on Saturday October 20, 2001 @09:03AM (#2454393)
    He shouldn't have "open-sourced" the playbook. Doh!
  • That's what they get for changing players mid-season. Give Linux a chance to get used to the team and they'll see some outstanding numbers there.

    Anyone know what the Satanic message in the film was? I heard it was "Outlook is awesome. Viruses and worms are our friends. Virus Basic Scripting (VBScript) RULES!!"
  • This actually will be a good thing in the long run because it will help the average consumer feel that Linux is catching on among those that he/she can relate too.
  • He's gotta be back. That makes no sense.
  • Football? (Score:1, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward
    What the fuck is football?
  • instead of that moneygrabbing monopoly that is Linux! The FreeBSD dæmon would also make a better mascot! :-)
    I know it, and you know it, Linux is evil!

    .. wait, I might have got something wrong here, but since the post is about a sports page, I have a hard time relating to it. Ah, now I remember, it is Micro$oft that is evil.. almost slipped there...("note to self: M$ is evil not Linux, Linux=good").
  • A gaggle of cheerleaders in Tux costumes.
  • If they convert their offence and defence code to GPL. We can grab the source and make some patch.

    But uh oh, if code became GPL their competitors can download the source and learn their innovated tactics.
  • I can see it now.

    Press: Coach, what happened in the game today?

    Coach: Well, it's really quite simple: our offense sig faulted and the defense was running Nautalis (see previous story).
  • Maybe it was the switch to Linux. Here is one possible scenario:

    The defensive coach's wife might have washed his lucky socks. He was busy learning how to use the new software, so he didn't know it was happening. Next thing you know, it's game day, and the socks have lost their magic. It's a tragedy.
  • Years back I was at the independence bowl watching the Virginia Wahoos beat the TCU horned frogs. Since it was raining, and my team was losing, the high point was the Wahoo band.

    Their half time routine consisted of poor marching (if you could call it that) and jokes over the stadium PA. This was way back when the Pentium division bug was in the news.

    On the speaker a voice announced, "Todays half time scores brought to you by pentium, Virginia 14.00421, TCU 3.10002"

    That really was the best part of the game...

  • I heard of your problems using Linux to run the defense team of our native Baltimore Ravens. I am intrested on how you got the entire defense to run Linux in their brains instead of their native operating wetware, and am willing as a Linux sysadmin to help correct the line teams mistakes. Please contact me through my website. --Kelly "STrRedWolf" Price.
  • Patriots at Colts (-10): Peyton Manning's performance Sunday night blamed on having a TV commercial jingle stuck in his head.

    Most things in there are done for humor, I don't think the Linux quote is any different.

  • Just further proof that geeks and football jocks don't mix well together.
  • by rana ( 31171 ) on Saturday October 20, 2001 @04:13PM (#2455120)

    A coworker once observed that, while some people spend their break time looking at sports stats and reading sports drivel on the web, the Linux geeks among us wasted break time reading netcraft stats and reading pro- and anti- linux drivel on the web.

    To paraphrase Umberto Eco (paraphrasing Marx): Slashdot has replaced spectator sports which previously replaced religion as the opiate of the masses.
  • Its the demons I tells ya! The demons! The open source community ships dozens of these little devils per Linux, Hurd and BSD distro. It was just a matter of time before the less tech savvy community noticed our little satan-worshipping plot and brought us to account for it!

    We should issue a promise to the NFL that the next Linux distro they recieve will be demon-free. Then they'll stop complaining via email.
  • There'd be a thousand posts explaining why it made sense and predicting imminent domination of NFL systems by you-know-what!
  • As a once Baltimore Colts fan (until Irsay stole them), and now Ravens fan, I have to say this is the lamest excuse I've ever heard.

    Fact was, Bret Favre of the Packers went crazy last week with one of those career games. Unless Ray Lewis hit Favre over the head with a large, disk laden, CPU, it is unlikely that any operating system would have stopped him.
  • Ravens (-7 1/2) at Browns:

    Go Browns! -7.5 my tuckus...

Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong. - Oscar Wilde