I HATE MOGs
I *really* *hate* MoGs.
The WalMart down the road was selling Mini Maureen O'Gara Trolls (MoGTrolls) for 2 cents a piece. That was even less than the 5 cents a piece I paid for those damn monkeys
... so I figured "What have I got to loose?"
So I bought 250 MoGTrolls for $5.00. I mean, what's 5 buck, right? What could possibly go wrong?
I took my 250 MoGTrolls home. I have a big car. One of them insisted on driving. Its' name was Maureen O'Gara (all the MoGTrolls answer to Maureen O'Gara). It was retarded, even for a troll. In fact, now that I had them outside in the daylight, it was obvious that they were all "more than a few bricks short of a full load." I couldn't let the MoGTroll drive, so I kicked it in the head. It LIKED being kicked in the head! WTF? So I obliged it by kicking it some more. Soon, all the MoGTrolls were kicking each other and giggling like crazy, snot running down their ugly troll faces. This made it hard to drive, but we finally made it home.
I herded them into the basement. They didn't adapt well to their new environment. They stopped kicking each other, and just sulked. Then they began pulling the hair out of each other. It quickly became a mess. Oh, and nobody told me that MoGTrolls aren't toilet trained. I googled and yahoo'd for "toilet training MoGTrolls", but all that came back was "lots of luck, sucker!" and "never been done."
The novelty of having 250 MoGTrolls had worn off.
The MogTrolls got out of the basement and kept trying to use my computers, even though everyone knows that MoGTrolls can't write for shit. They kept on, though, and started posting all sorts of weird, distorted stuff. I mean REALLY bent! So my ISP cut me off. I hate MoGTrolls.
I had to find another ISP. And the damn MoGTrolls got me kicked off that one, too. I went from high-speed cable to adsl to dialup to - well, lets just say that TCP/IP over a clothesline really sux. I can only post when my neighbours are doing their laundry. I feel SO low having to steal bandwidth through their underware flapping in the breeze!
Did I mention that I hate MoGTrolls?
At least by now I knew why the MoGTrolls were so cheap - nobody would want one. All they do is sit around and make rambling random noise and emit noxious vapours, and excrete stuff that even the dogs don't want to sniff
... and dogs will eat their own puke!
I didn't know what to do - I was at wits end. So I went out to the local Home Depot and bought some muriatic acid, the stuff you use on concrete. I took one of the MoGTrolls and dipped it into the muriatic acid. The acid turned into goo. I poored some on the sidewalk outside, and it quickly melted the ice. Unfortunately, it also completely removed the top inch of concrete. The city had to replace the sidewalk. I got the bill last week. I hate MoGTrolls.
I decided to kill them all and throw them in the garbage. Do you have any idea how HARD it is to kill a MoGTroll? They're worse than cockroaches! You can drop a load of bricks on them, squish them flatter than a penny after the train's gone over it, and next morning they're back at it again, spitting, being mean, and just looking butt-ugly as usual.
So I tried to have a garage sale. I TRIED to make them look half-way decent, but MoGTrolls are like SCO stock - no amount of lipstick will make that pig look good. Not only did I not sell a single MoGTroll; the police gave me a fine for disturbing the peace. All the kids in the neighbourhood are having nightmares, and the school has to have a psychologist on staff full-time to deal with all the trauma that being exposed to a whole herd of MoGTrolls can cause in young minds. I hate MoGTrolls.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It's still there. Then I had one wet gibbering MoGTroll, 1 acid-stained MoGTroll, and 248 dry MoGTrolls, and one blocked toilet. The MoGTroll won't come out of the toilet. I don't mean its stuck in it - it REFUSES to come out. I tried for over an hour to pull it out, but it likes it there. Yesterday, we had a big rainstorm and the toilet backed up, and 3 more MoGTrolls jumped in. Now I have 4 gross stinky wet MoGTrolls and 245 gross stinky dry MoGTrolls, and 1 acid-stained MoGTroll. The plumbers just laugh when I call them. I guess they hate MoGTrolls too.
I tried burying one in the back yard. That didn't work. A raccoon dug it up, and a skunk sprayed it. Well, at least now it doesn't smell as bad as the other MoGTrolls. But now I also have a date in court for burying toxic refuse. I hate MoGTrolls.
I tried burning some of them with the leaves. The neighbours accused me of burning tires. Another $300 fine. So now I have 4 wet stinky MoGTrolls, a dozen singed burnt-hair-stinky MoGTrolls, and 230-some-odd regular stinky MoGTrolls.
Now when I want some fresh air, I go to the municipal land-fill or the sewer treatment plant. Anything's better than the stench of MoGTroll.
I tried to hide them in the garbage (they LIKE playing in the garbage). Unfortunately, the garbageman caught on (one of the MoGTrolls bit him in the ankle when he lifted the bag). They can't take MoGTrolls, and since the MoGTrolls can't/won't be removed from the garbage, they had to tip their whole load into my driveway. The end result is my car is under 10 tons of coffee grinds, used diapers, sanitary napkins, and empty pizza boxes. Oh, and I got another fine from the city, for the garbage. And a bill for the doctor's visit for the garbageman. And now the garbage truck stops by every week, to MAKE DELIVERIES! I hate MoGTrolls!
I finally came up with a solution. It was expensive, but not as expensive as the bills the MoGTrolls have been running up. I put them all in FedEx boxes, marked "Windows LongHorn Upgrade Media Kit", and sent them to all the so-called "analysts" and "reporters" who have been spreading FUD against Free, Libre, and Open-Source software (FLOSS). With Bill Gates home as the return address. I figure the MoGTrolls won't slow their computer down as much as LongHorn will, so they should be grateful.
I just hope the Department of Homeland Security doesn't find out - I don't want to be labeled "The MoGTroll Terrorist."
I really, really, hate MoGTrolls.
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