Microsoft Segments Linux "Personas"

RJ2770 writes "Microsoft has started a project for their partners to help identify the personas of different Linux users in an attempt to sway them toward Microsoft products. In addition to the web site there is a podcast on the market research behind the project, again directed at Microsoft's selling partners."

MS controls /.?

[whoever57]

I guess MS can control /. and already knows that I won't be swayed, since I got a "nothing to see here message"

So where's the poll?

[Anonymous Coward]

I want to vote on which one I am!

I tried the screening tool

[swillden]

It showed a picture of RMS and said "Give up".

I ddin't see my persona in here

[NixieBunny]

I work at a university using Linux for a distibuted telescope control system. There was nothing in the persona list about either universities or machine control. I guess we're safe from the Microsoft marketing megamachine for now.

They forgot..

[Mr_Tulip]

#6: People who hate Microsoft, and would prefer to use an abacus to MS software (37% of slashdot users)

Re:Linux in the domain?

[ScrewMaster]

Hell, they can have their own Linux distro if they really wanted to do that too.

"Your product must be validated before you can proceed. Click here to learn more about the advantages of owning Genuine Linux."

Re:Very simple, and not limited to Linux

[MightyMartian]

Seriously, when was the last time MS came out with something that really got you excited, something elegant and useful?

DOS 5.0

Obligatory ?

[jlindy]

I for one welcome our anti-competitive monopoly over... Wait a minute, I guess I don't!... Never-mind.

Re:different types of linux users?

[Anonymous Coward]

Does she have a boyfriend?

In plain language...

[cursorx]

"Linux Experimenter" = Bi-curious. A bit dangerous, but let's not worry too much and just scare them straight.

"Market Follower" = MS bitches. We own these fuckers!

"Application Driven" = Dangerously misguided. Brainwashing might be needed, just to set them in order.

"Linux Aficionado" = Stupid, hopeless nerds. Recommended solution: hire hitman.

"Unix transitioner" = Head case. Keep distance.

Re:My Persona

[NixieBunny]

He didn't mention that he gets to coast *down* the 900 foot hill each way also. Slacker!

Re:They forgot..

[jmv]

would prefer to use an abacus to MS software

On the plus side, when's the last time you heard of an abacus being remotely compromised to start sending spam?

The old saying went...

[merc]

Linux is for those who hate Microsoft Windows.

BSD is for those who love UNIX.

Penguins

[Tama00]

I like penguins, how can they cater to me?

windowspersonas.com

[qaramazov]

As soon as the domain propagates, come to http://windowspersonas.com/ [windowspersonas.com] wiki to help compose a worthy response! :)

Re:I think I can help

[pushing-robot]

It looks as if you're trying to bash Microsoft. Would you like some help?

Re:The gloves are off

[Mr_eX9]

But they will never beat our fuel-efficient cars and hi-fi stereos!

Re:The gloves are off

[jkrise]

Okay.... I'll resist the temptation to talk about chairs, and start taking Microsoft seriously. I'm a Linux user in some MS category, and a marketing team from MS has flown down to my office from Seattle. What next?

"I expect that for the next few weeks the majority of the "Linux community" will be on the floor foaming and making lame jokes about Bob and flying chairs.

Microsoft is taking you seriously now - you better start doing the same thing."

MS Team: We are very serious!
Me: Shall I call an ambulance?
MS Team: No no no.... we are very serious about you, a Linux user.
Me: I see... take your chairs..... ooops take your seats and let's talk seriously.
MS Team: We are serious about you. Which category Linux user are you?
Me: I'm just a Linux user.
MS Team: Are you an experimenter, follower, aficionado, transitioner or...
Me: I'm just a normal Linux user.
MS Team: Before we talk among ourselves in the presentation we must classify you. Why do you like Linux?
Me: Because it works all the time, gets my work done, doesn't bother me with Genuine Updates.
MS Team: But we are serious about security. Is Linux secure? Are you secure?
Me: I'm very serious about my job security. I've been running this Linux server app for over 5 years, no problems till date... just user management and the odd feature upgrade.
MS Team: We are serious about security. Did you know that the London stock exchange uses Windows Servers because of security?
Me: How much did they pay for the servers?
MS Team: We are serious about security. Hmm... let's see... just a few million quid...
Me: My job will be gone if I bought your servers for 'security' reasons... what is this security you talk of?
MS: We are serious about security... our server is so secure no one can break in... we'll be monitoring it ourselves to see nothing touches your server... only licensed signed applications will run... unlike your Linux box which runs everything.
Me: Will it run my application?
MS Team: We are serious about security. Have you got it certified by Verizon?
Me: Nope... why should I certify MY program which I wrote with some XYZ comapny?
MS Team: We are serious about security. How else can we know your app is not a virus?
Me: But why would I write a virus on my own server?
MS Team: We're serious about security. How do we know who wrote it? We've got to certify everything that runs on your server.... we're serious about security.
Me: What if I perform some feature upgrades? Should those be certified as well?
MS Team: We are serious about security. Every program has to be certified.
Me: I'd be damned if I'm gonna send every bit of code to you guys for labelling.
MS Team: We are serious about security. How else will you be secure?
Me: Maybe because I believe in myself and my programming skills?
MS Team: We are serious about security. Are you a certified programmer?
Me: Nope.... but I'm sure each one of you is Certified.... idiots, that is. Now get the hell outta here and get yourselves certified again. Seriously!
MS Team: We are serious about you, a Linux user. We are serious about security.
Me: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MS customer personas: shackles, chains, stocks

[Anonymous Coward]

Great opportunity for a tongue in cheek response...

I would think most of the Microsoft Personas would be in shackles of one type or another. Maybe one in a hamster wheel, pirate hat ... anyone in a communications class with a project assignment coming up?

Re:Shooting themselves in the foot

[suckmysav]

"Try actually reading the website "

I did, it crashed my browser.

MS already knows who uses Linux

[the_womble]

I thought MS already knew the personas of Linux users:

1. Communists
2. People who want high TCO
3. People who are jealous of St Bill of Redmond's goodness
4. Unwashed hippies
5. IBM (see 4)
6. Un-American people.
7. Foreigners (see 6)
8. Terrorists (see 7)
9. Cancers
10. People who think they own "their" computers and other anti-capitalists

Re:So where's the poll?

[mackyrae]

Not an aficionado, but given that their definition has half the boxes being Linux, and I'm Linux-only, I guess I fall there. I'm definitely not one of the first 3 cuz video games haven't sent me back to Windows yet (#3), I'm using it now, not just thinking about it (#2), and I'm quite sure Linux is what I like (#1). So, yes, I fall in the category of "Linux is better. Period." but I don't see how that equals "aficionado." My mom and sister both prefer Linux over Windows because of it's cost, security, and ease of use. It seems they've decided to stick with it for good (my brother and sister want to have their own Linux laptops when they go to college in a few years). While I can figure out how to fix the occasional problem, they can't so can't be called "aficionados" but they also don't really fall into the first 3. I think the only way my mom would use Windows is if they switched to GNOME.

haha

[illuminatedwax]

This is hysterical. Not because it's stupid (it's not), but because of the sheer futility in trying to win over the "Linux Afcionado".

Question: "Are you aware of Microsoft's Trustworthy Computing --"
Answer: "You mean Treacherous Computing, don't you? I spit on your pathetic proprietary software!"

And "Try to avoid the Microsoft versus Open Source software conversation and focus on specific workloads and IT pain points instead," by which of course they mean "give it up, you'll never convince these people; just beg to have them buy 'just one little server.' Make a frowny face when you ask."

"Rely on Get the Facts evidence --"
"Oh man, I read that bullshit on Slashdot. That TCO metric is a pile of crap --"
(salesman turns and runs out the door)

Re:MS already knows who uses Linux

[Glowing Fish]

I think it should be pointed out that not all Linux users are unwashed hippies. Some are unwashed punks. Others are unwashed geeks. But yes, it is fair to say that all of them are unwashed.

Re:drilling further

[miro f]

interesting that the anti-linux campaign was signed for using a mail account hosted on linux servers =)

Cigarette Companies

[steveoc]

In other news, cigarette companies are profiling non-smokers to look for areas to expand their market share. They defined 5 distinctly different profiles of non-smokers who are targets for conversion. These coorespond exactly to the Microsoft categories.

1) The Naughty Child (aka. Linux Experimenter)

This prospect comes from a good god-fearing household where Mum, Dad, and his brothers and sisters all smoke regularly. As does uncle Jed who lives in the spare room. The naughty child would like to be more like some of the cool jock types at school, instead of the fat wheezing slob that he is, and has dared to do sports and things when mum isnt looking. He has futile dreams of owning (and riding) a bike for his birthday.

Sales Pitch: Fat Chance kiddo ! Know thy place and respect thy parents !! Stop thinking and do as thou art told !! Inform the parents and resort to corporal punishment if required.

---oOo---

2) The Lemming (aka. Market Follower)

This prospect is always scared of offending people. Incapable of thinking for himself, the only reason he doesnt smoke at the moment is because its become trendy to be a non-smoker, and he wants to blend in with the crowd. Well hey buddy - its trendy to be gay as well !

Sales Pitch: Blackmail works best on this one. These weirdos always have some skeletons in the closet, so dig around and find some dirt (or make some up), and threaten to expose him for the paedofile that he surely is ... if he doesnt start smoking. Remember - being Gay is trendy too !!

---oOo---

3) Addictive Personality (aka. Application Driven)

This person doesnt smoke, eats a whole lettuce every day for lunch, and goes to gym 3 times a week. What a wanker !! What this person doesnt realise is that its not the fitness thing that they are really into - its just a displacement activity to fill in their day, give them some sort of meaning to their life, and stop them from going nuts. Smoking offers a better and cheaper way out of this rut .. and something to fidget with during the day too.

Sales Pitch: Point out the psychology of their 'health regime', and show them how cigarettes can fill the gap in the life just as well as a gym membership - only cheaper !! Deflect and embrace.

---oOo---

4) The Know it all (aka. Linux Aficionado)

This one is a pain in the butt. They are fit and healthy, and love to show off about it in front of other people. A lot of them are ex-smokers who have totally embraced this whole healthy-living crud as some sort of revenge trip against fast food and cigarettes that may have dominated their previous life. Pointless getting into an argument with this type ... they are incapable of rational debate .. just 'Being healthy is better, so there!!' is the best they can come up with.

Sales Pitch: Avoid direct comparisons between cigarettes and other methods of lifestyle enhancement - just stick with facts, eg FACT: Cigarettes calm you down, which is good for your stress levels FACT: Smoking kills your appetite, so you eat less, loose weight, look healthier FACT: Smoking gives you bad breath and impotence, so your chances of contracting an STD are much less, etc.

---oOo---

5) On the way to crack addiction. (aka. UNIX Transitioner)

This prospect is already a regular user of speed and party pills, and is rapidly on their way to becoming a full time crack addict. Perception that plain old cigarettes just arent wicked enough for them, so they dont even give smoking a second thought.

Sales Pitch: Restate the benefits - legal, easily available, and quite affordable in comparison. Sure, moving to crack would be a whole new lifestyle enhancement, but consider cigarettes as an excellent way to re-invent yourself as well. Point out movies where cool characters can be seen smoking. Offer them a free packet of smokes (secretly laced with cocaine and ground neurofen), and you just might have yourself a new friend !!

No kidding you too?

[SmallFurryCreature]

It crashed on that flash monstrosity that showsup in a POPUP.

I can only guess this site was never meant to be read by actuall linux users but rather by just by windows sellers who offcourse run windows and LOVE flash and popups.

Anyway it crashed opera wich is something that hasn't happened in a LONG time. Good job MS. Even on Linux/Opera you can still give me a IE experience.

Re:MS controls /.?

[Fordiman]

Yeah. You notice there's no 'Zealotous Fanboy' category. I guess I'm one of the few ^_^.

No, seriously. This is the kind of marketer-speak that gets nothing done whatsoever. There IS nothing to see here.

Well, you know

[krasmussen]

Linux can't run without Windows... [zdnet.com]

Re:Well, you know

[Fordiman]

OMG! Whatever is Linux to Do?! [zdnet.com]