His hands are already full.

More than 1,000 people attended this year's Ig Nobel awards, a light-hearted alternative to the Nobel Prizes. Scientists who unlocked the inner secrets of dog fleas, crisps and tangled string swept the show. Handing out awards was William Lipscomb, the 1976 Nobel laureate for chemistry, also doubling Thursday, at the age of 89, as the hero in the "Win-a-Date-With-a-Nobel-Laureate Contest." The prize itself is a plaque that reads, "This Ig Nobel Prize is awarded in the year 2008 to an Ig Nobel Prize Winner, in recognition of the Ig Nobel Prize Winners' Ig Nobel Prize winning achievement." At last I can submit my paper, "Everything is Really Wet, Even Dry Stuff." for peer review.

You know things are rough when this comes up on a jobs list. All you have to do is try a colon cleaning product, keep a photo (or video) diary and a daily written journal about your experiences. You can make $100 for your write-up and photos or $250 for write-up and videos. At last there is someone who will appreciate my collection of short films.

Being in a relationship is not easy, more than half of all first marriages fail in this country. That statistic doesn't improve if you spend most of your time reading your favorite website and not tending to the needs of your family. Instead of asking me to help fix your relationship maybe you should try playing with your kids, talking to your wife, and not staring at a computer screen all day. You should realize that the help link doesn't provide help with your life. It's mostly for getting passwords and stuff. Below you'll find a collection of people that should have reached out to Dr. Phil and not Dr. Sam.

There is a computer under there somewhere.

The dog can't hit anything over 100 yards.

One sign your downtown is getting bad.

With the entry to sub-orbital flight, and even orbital flight, becoming ever so slightly easier, the obvious thought of space porn kicks in. Who wouldn't want to see two or more people going at it like rabbits in a weightless environment (or at least trying to go at it like rabbits in a weightless environment)? Sadly, Virgin Galactic has turned down a $1 million offer to do just that. The offer was made by an unidentified party who was willing to put the money up front to do a space porn movie. Considering that a flight aboard VG costs $200,000 for a two-hour flight, $1 million doesn't seem too bad. Though how much you could actually do and perform in two hours is debatable. And what if one or more of the actors gets sick?

Their program now includes helmets and food.

At least nobody will open their doors into you down there.

You never know when one will come in handy.

It takes a village to train a ninja.

A man robbed an armored-car guard in Monroe, Washington on Tuesday morning, then fled with the money — down a nearby creek on an inner tube. The inner tube was only part of the master plan. The robber may have also used a Craigslist ad to recruit decoys. About a dozen men showed up near the bank after responding to an ad about road maintenance work. The ad asked that they wear "a Yellow vest, safety goggles, a respirator mask ... and, if possible, a blue shirt," the same outfit the robber was wearing. If only he had asked, "Why so serious?" before he got away.

After his computer was stolen, Jose Caceres used a remote access program to log on every day and watch it being used. The laptop was stolen on Sept. 4, when he left it on top of his car while carrying other things into his home. "It was kind of frustrating because he was mostly using it to watch porn," Caceres said. "I couldn't get any information about him." Last week the thief messed up and registered on a web site with his name and address. Jose alerted the police, who arrested a suspect a few hours later. The moral of the story: never go to a porn site where you have to register.

Monday night for Michelle Allen consisted of dressing in a cow costume, chasing children, and urinating on her neighbor's porch. You know, the usual. When police arrived and told her to go home and stay there, she did what any of us would do — she ran out into traffic. The police promptly arrested her for disorderly conduct. The officer's report notes that she was verbally abusive on the trip to jail and smelled of alcohol. Unlike our office, the police did not speculate on why she was wearing the cow costume.

The city of Eindhoven is awarding credit points to street prostitutes in exchange for good behavior. To earn the points, the prostitutes must be involved in positive activities such as workshops where they can learn skills to equip themselves for other work. Credit points can be used to buy designer clothes and furniture from outlets like the Eindhoven Design Academy and the International School of Design in Cologne. The prostitutes must hurry and use up their credits before Eindhoven's hooker dollar expansion comes out in November and all their credits are wiped.

Probably not the best day to learn how to swim.

They're also harder to feed.

They make such adorable shirts for babies nowadays.

Stipe Cavlovic, 37, got into an argument with another man over an unpaid debt. Soon after the argument started, the man pulled a gun and shot at Stipe and his wife. The bullet ricocheted off Mrs. Cavlovic's cheekbone before becoming caught in Stipe's dentures. "I thought I was dead for sure. I didn't even see the bullet hit my wife. I just saw the flash of the gun's barrel. The next thing I knew was something hit my false tooth and I spat out the hot lead. It hurt like hell but we're both still alive." he told police. I saw Penn and Teller do this in Vegas.