I figured out why my slashdot karma's so good, always at "excellent" - I can't get laid. I can't even get any from hookers. So my self esteem has been in the shitter, and I've had a bad case of the blues.
Last Thursday was Thanksgiving here in the USA. My youngest daughter, who manages a Gamestop store 350 miles away in Cincinnatti, couldn't get off work but promised to visit at Christmas. In my family, Thanksgiving and Christmas are traditionally done at Grandma's, and since my little sister has a 5 year old grandson she's the Grandma. So I picked up my oldest daughter on the way to Belleville, a hundred miles south (160 km for those in more civilized parts of the world).
It seems I have a new great nephew, as my sister's youngest son just had a son. The little guy refused to play Guitar Hero with his dad, his Uncle, his great Uncle (me) or anybody else, preferring to cheer on his favorite football team; ok, sleeping the whole time. What the hell, he's only two weeks old.
I wish one of my daughters would have a kid, as I remember when they were babies. I'd push the stroller through the grocery store and every woman in the place would come up and talk to me. I remember bitterly thinking "damn, why didn't I have one of these when I was single?" Now that I'm single again, well, guys if you want to meet some women, borrow someone's infant and take him to the grocery store.
Friday I was broke, so I stayed home. Linda and her boyfriend were supposed to bring a bud by, but they never showed up. Danny, my drunken reprobate friend who is nearly homeless and has stuff stored in my basement was supposed to stop by to pick up a pair of slacks, as he just got a job as bussboy. Amy, my cab driving tenant/roommate who owes me half a month's rent plus forty bucks she borrowed plus another forty she lost in a bet with me was supposed to come by and drop off some cash so I wouldn't be sitting at home bored and broke never showed up either. In fact, I didn't see her all weekend, probably found a new boyfriend.
Nobody showed up. Around dark I decided to go visit my oldest friend, Ralph. By "oldest friend" I don't mean I've known him longer than anybody; that would be my crazy friend Tom. By "oldest friend" I mean I'm a kid by comparison, as Ralph served on a battleship in WWII. He's 86 years old, older than anybody alive that I know.
Linda was there; they had run out of time as her BF had to be at work at 4:00. He'd showered her with gifts and taken her to dinner, as he's going to miss her. She reports to prison in a week to serve time on a drug charge.
America's prisons are filled with drug users and dealers. Drug prisoners are political prisoners; we got nothin' on China and North Korea, what with having over 70% of our inmates in jail on drug charges.
Smoking dope is a political statement!
Ralph fell asleep watching TV so I went home to an early bedtime; very early for a Friday. But what else to do when you're broke? Damned bartenders all want money!
Saturday morning Danny came by to rummage through his stuff in my basement. He was with his seven year old son and his son's mother, who is married to some guy from Peru now. Her husband was at work. We all played the old Road Rash (1995) PC game, it's a lot more fun on the 42 inch TV.
Danny loaned me five bucks, so after they left I went down to Farley's. They have draft for a buck, and sometimes have big brown farm eggs for a dollar a dozen.
Farley's is a dive, a hippie bar, the dumpiest bar in Springfield AFAIK. It's across the street from the train station, next door to the gay bar, which I guess is pretty handy for gay hippie alcoholic railroad engineers.
So I sit between two women, the one on my right is with some guy and the one on my left is attractive and drunk, maybe twenty or twenty five years my junior. She's obviously trolling for free drinks, because she turns away from the two guys on her other side who are hitting on her but not buying her any drinks and starts talking to me. I don't buy her any drinks, either.
There's an attractive woman down the bar, and I'm wishing I had some money because she looks like she's younger than me but a bit closer to my age. But you can't pick up women with only four bucks in your pocket.
The two guys give up and leave when the younger woman next to me starts talking to me. Seems she's from Southern Illinois, maybe 150 miles south, visiting relatives. It's her first time in Farley's and "I really like this place, the people are so friendly". Yeah, dumbass, they want in your pants - but I don't actually say that. "Yeah, I like this bar" I say.
Brian walks in. He's twenty years younger than me; the last time I drank with him I wound up falling on my head. Note to self - don't try to keep up with a professional drunk, as the pros will drink you under the table every time. I say "hi" to Brian, and he says he's lost his phone and jacket. I think he might have left them at my house, so he gives me his new number and I tell him if I see them I'll call. Drunk chick starts hitting on Brian.
I look down the bar at the attractive woman closer to my age and see she's staring at me. I smile, she smiles back. I'm not paying attention to Brian and his new friend, who all of a sudden says "you have WHAT?"
"I have AIDS", he says. "And fleas. Thank God they cured the syphilis!" She hurries out of the bar, and Brian (and everybody else) laughs.
Yes, here in Springfield we do our trolling offline.
The women at the other end of the bar walks down, arms outstretched, and says to me "I haven't seen you in forever!" I hug her and she kisses me, and she says "forever because I never met you before. Buy me a beer?"
Well hell, if a pretty girl comes up and gives me a kiss how can I NOT buy her a beer? Even if I only do have four dollars, and tell her so. She's flattered. We chat, and she aks me if I can give her a ride home. Well, hell, why not? "Sure, if it isn't too far. I've only got anough gas to go maybe ten miles."
So she has me stop by a gas station and buys me some gas, and buys some booze, and has me drive to her cousin's, where we drink and smoke some pot. And no, I wasn't drunk, for those of you who are going to flame me for drinking and driving.
We wound up driving around listening to the radio; she said she almost never gets to do that. Later on, after it seems like ten minutes have gone buy but it's late in the evening, we wind up at my house, drinking beer on my couch, making out.
My tongue is in her mouth, my hand up her blouse, it looks for sure like I'm finally getting lucky, and the doorbell rings. Damn! Probably Linda and her boyfriend.
"Surprise!" It was my youngest daughter, who had driven from Cincinnatti.
But if you ever read any of the Paxil diaries you knew something like that would happen, didn't you?