SCO: FSF Reply To GPL Claims, Conference Sponsors Back Off?

bkuhn writes "Last week's Wall Street Journal (and other news outlets) carried statements by SCO's Mark Heise challenging the "legality" of FSF's GPL. FSF has issued a response to this baseless claim." Also, mcgroarty points out that Intel and HP seem to be backing swiftly away from their sponsorship of SCO's in-progress Las Vegas conference (a EWeek article suggests that "Intel Corp. was recently billed as one of the lead sponsors of SCO's Forum 2003 conference here this week, but then suddenly disappeared from all marketing and press material for the forum. It appears that Hewlett-Packard Co. also got cold feet. As late as last week, SCO was telling attendees that HP would be giving a partner keynote at the forum on Tuesday morning. But on Sunday the schedule of events given to attendees when they registered makes no mention of an HP keynote...") M adds: Now we've got a few stories from the conference: News.com.com and Eweek. Despite some bad headline writing at News.com, SCO simply continues to employ the Chewbacca defense, showing no code to back up their claims. Amusingly, Darl McBride started his rant about copyright infringement by copying some footage from a James Bond movie. Bravo!

They shoot horses, don't they?

[FFFish]

While I'm really enjoying watching this circus, I think it really is time to put Darl out of his misery. He's obviously suffering some sort of beri-beri brain-eating disease. Let's be humane and compassionate. He has suffered enough.

SCOfinger

[pyros]

scene: SCO is strapped to a table in IBM's hideout, with a laser creeping ever closer.

SCO: Do you expect me to show the code?

IBM: No Mr. SCO, I expect you to die!

(I know this has the rolls reversed, but it's funnier this way)

Best quote

[LauraW]

Referring to the "one backup copy" nonsense, the article says:

This argument is frivolous, by which I mean that it would be a violation of professional obligation for Mr Heise or any other lawyer to submit it to a court.

I love it when the lawyers start insulting each other. :-)

it's really very simple

[SHEENmaster]

If SCO "owns" a small fraction of a widely distributed whole, that whole in its entirety is SCO's property.

If SCO doesn't own any part of a whole that it distributed in violation of copyright law, then copyright law is not applicable, for no specific reason.

If you violate their property, you deserve to go to hell. If they violate much more of your property, tough luck. If they violate it again, tough luck.

These guys have made the situation clear, why can't we just agree that they aren't affected by copyright law?

Re:SCO

[jcsitte]

Stupid is stupid does!

On being deserted by Intel and HP.

[Spudley]

On SCO being deserted by Intel and HP:

Hmm... why do the words "rats" and "sinking ship" spring the mind here?

SCO translator-o-matic

[Gherald]

>We have tripled our cash position over the past four months.

We have made multiple spurrious legal claims over the last four months, dramatically raising our stock prices after a steady decline.

>SCO is actually going into business, not out of it

We've hired more lawyers.

> and we have turned the company around.

We think with and speak through our asses now.

> We are proud of that, and the future going forward is bright.

Shhh! I think we are getting a way with this, the SEC hasn't noticed yet...

> We have no long-term debt, cash balances are improved and we have reduced costs

It's cheaper to litigate than actually produce a product

Re:They shoot horses, don't they?

[Anonymous Coward]

He's obviously suffering some sort of beri-beri brain-eating disease

Not beri-beri you fool, it's the viral GPL he's been trying to tell us about!

heh

Re:Boycott SCO?

[Anonymous Coward]

Boycott SCO? Does SCO do enough business that a boycott could actually hurt its bottom line?

Term for McBride's stupidity...

[kuwan]

We, as an IT community, need to come up with a term appropriate for SCO and McBride's stupidity. Something that the community can use on a large scale that will hopefully become mainstream in our language.

I'm not sure what it should be, anybody have any suggestions? (Mine kinda suck)

Darl You!
Darl it!
Darl you to SCO!
Darlhole!
Darlass!
Darlhead!

Don't pull a Darl McBitch on me!

Re:SCO translator-o-matic

[NecroPuppy]

We are proud of that, and the future going forward is bright.

Shhh! I think we are getting a way with this, the SEC hasn't noticed yet...

That light? It's at the end of the tunnel. From an oncoming train. Named IBM.

Way ahead of you, man

[SuperBanana]

I'd be willing to sign onto or even help organize a boycott of SCO and their products. Is anyone in the process of doing this?

Most of the world has been, uh, "boycotting"(not buying) SCO products for years. Hence the publicity/money/attention grab :-)

Classic Usenet Tactic

[matthewg]

SCO is saying that the lurkers support them in email. [nyu.edu]

Re:McCarthy would be proud

[Mesaeus]

658, Comrade

ANNOUNCEMENT

[dbc001]

To: All Linux Users
Re: Proprietary Code being used in Linux

I have recently discovered that some of my personal code has found it's way into the most common Linux distributions. I will begin legal preparations immediately, but for the time being, if you are using Linux you are probably using some of my intellectual property.

I am offering a "good will" software license to those who wish to stay within the law: those users who contact me within the next 72 hours can purchase a license to use my code for $299 US (significantly less than some others are asking for access to their code!). I will take legal action against all Linux users who do not contact me within the next 72 hours. I have recieved a number of queries as to which code belongs to me, and unfortunately I cannot reveal this for obvious legal reasons.

I have also found that some of my intellectual property is being used in most automobiles, and my lawyers are preparing lawsuits against some of the larger auto manufacturers. Again, I cannot reveal which parts of the cars I have IP rights to, for obvious legal reasons.

If you are using Linux and do not contact me immediately, I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT!!

Re:SCO to face racketeering charges?

[Anonymous Coward]

So a bunch of unnamed companies are going to fight over some unnamed code? This is all getting too etherial for me.

"Read Copyright Update"?

[Jeremi]

From the article:

Sontag said these include NUMA (non uniform memory access), Read Copyright Update (RCU), Journal File System and schedulers.

Is "Read Copyright Update" SCO's new business model then?

Re:Miscounted, somewhere?

[Anonymous Coward]

259062.5 lines of code * 2 processors = 518125 lines of code * 1.6 (because some computers are faster than others) = 829000 lines of stolen code.

Re:Bravo, indeed...

[One Louder]

Would any reputable company now risk involvement with SCO on any level?

Here's one [sco.com].

Re:We are up to a million lines of code!

[Snorpus]

SCO must be right.

After all, any halfway competent programmer could code RCU, NUMA, and SMP into 100K lines of code, max.

If the code takes a million lines, it must have been done by the SCO Coders.

Apologies to previous or current SCO coders... I know you could have done it in fewer lines, but you had to include all those annoying (C) IBM lines.

Re:Term for McBride's stupidity...

[Impotent_Emperor]

His own last name should suffice.
"Don't pull a McBride."
or
"I really did a McBride-job on that test."
or
"That movie was so McBride."

Re:SCOfinger

[Rimbo]

SCO: What about the fatal flaw in the GPL?
IBM: You're bluffing.
SCO: Can you afford to take that chance?
IBM: *long pause*

*blood-curdling screech of agony*

IBM: Well, I guess it's moot, now...

Re:Boycott SCO?

[bersl2]

Every time I go to Barnes & Noble, I find the (three) SCO-related books and hide them.

I do my part to help.

Re:The End is Near

[Anonymous Coward]

If you squint just a bit he looks like Sloth from the Goonies.

Re:Picket?

[pi_rules]

Aren't there some slashbots in Las Vegas who would like to run a picket line in front of the MGM Grand?

'Cmon now -- slashdotters in Vegas? Good luck keeping them out of the brothels.

Re:Chewbacca Defense

[Anonymous Coward]

Hey, you're right! It doesn't make sense!

Re:it's really very simple

[MrGrendel]

I think the real problem here is that McBride and his cronies have decided to apply the Toddler Law of Ownership to software. If SCO used some code in the past, the code belongs to SCO. If some code resembles something SCO already owns, the code belongs to SCO. If somebody else is using some code on their own computer, the code belongs to SCO. If SCO's freind (not that they have many) has some code, the code belongs to SCO. If Darl walks into a room and sees some code, the code belongs to SCO. If somebody talks about some code in Darl's presence, the code belongs to SCO.

The only real hope for the OS community at this point is to just spell L-I-N-U-X so Darl won't know what we're talking about. Or maybe he'll crack his head open on a concrete floor when he throws himself down on the ground for the inevitable tantrum.

Re:They shoot horses, don't they?

[marko123]

Love is largely out of the computer scene these days, I think, but there are still Sparks

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Electrons

[judmarc]

Darl McBride: "Our friends at the Nasdaq told us that with the recent blackout in the North East[ern United States], SCO's servers had "popped right back up," he said.

Guess that's in contrast to all the other servers that needed electricity, eh?

Re:The End is Near

[Anonymous Coward]

Actually, he's not a bad looking guy... FOR A GIRL!!!@@!212

SCO OWNS Bond

[glenebob]

"Amusingly, Darl McBride started his rant about copyright infringement by copying some footage from a James Bond movie."

Actually, Darl had a dream about some footage just like that, back in 1962. Therefore, the entire Bond series is one big derivitive work based on that one dream, which makes SCO the rightful owner of all Bond IP.

As soon as this Linux thing blows over, they'll be charging anyone who ever watched any Bond movies $500 to be in compliance. Next year, the price goes up to $1500 per viewing, per retina.

And tomorrow, I'm going to load up on SCO stock so I'll be ready for the phat profits!

Re:They shoot horses, don't they?

[c]

"It's like SCO is holding a handgrenade and people are slowly moving away from the madman..."

Picture McBride behind the wheel of a minivan, flying down a drag strip as fast as 6 cylinders can take it on a collision course with a main battle tank. The SCO van has lights flashing, sirens blaring, mimes doing handstands on the roof, and maybe a little T&A out the sunroof. Oh, and it's full of lawyers.

The tank isn't doing much of anything, really.

Now, what we're all wondering... Is Darl McBride just some crazy lunatic powering his shitbox down the road and maybe planning on turning at the last minute, or does he really have something in that minivan that can take out a tank. And if he does, when is he gonna whip it out? Will the tank bring around the main gun and blast him, or will it just use the machine gun? How many lawyers are killed? Mimes? Will the minivan turn into a DeLorean at the very last second and blast a trail through time?!?

I don't know about you, but the suspense is killing me.

c.

Re:They shoot horses, don't they?

[sharkey]

They also beat dead ones, or so I'm told.


Hey, let's all go to Subway!

Re:The End is Near

[asr_man]

That picture is from way back. Or at least after a glamour remake. The true Darl has bed head, fake smile, 5-day sloppy goatee, 29% body fat, and sports rumpled colorless business fashions [caldera.com].

You can't fool me Darl. You only look like an OSS developer.

It's disgraceful :-)

[adrianbaugh]

The entire linux kernel has been constructed from SCO's IP, by judicious copying and pasting of the individual ASCII symbols that form SCO UNIX' source.
In related news, SCO will also be suing Logitech, Cherry and Microsoft under the DMCA: the keyboards made by these leading manufacturers, among others, are in fact blatant copy-prevention mechanism circumvention devices designed to allow 'programmers', or pirates as we like to call them, to re-use SCO's valuable ASCII IP one character at a time. "It's just so easy," said McBride. "You just press the buttons, and tiny fragments of the SCO UNIX source appear. People making devices like this are worse than baby-murderers."
SCO refused to comment on speculation that they may ask for a retroactive injunction against distribution of the Bible, which can also be represented in ASCII.

Re:SCO shows the alleged "stolen" code

[viperblades]

but this is better. "In terms of obfuscating code, Sontag said SCO has gone through millions of lines of code and developed methods to find similarities. "We have rocket scientists who have applied their spectral recognition and pattern analysis to software, which has yielded amazing results. We have found needles in the Mount Everest-sized haystack," Sontag" and dont forget A tongue-in-cheek movie clip here Monday morning at the start of its SCO Forum 2003 event, purporting to show an average day in the life of McBride, consisted of actual footage of Pierce Brosnan from a James Bond movie. In his keynote address, McBride explained that there are striking similarities between SCO over the past year and a Bond movie. "The past year had been much like a Bond movie, with attacks and counter attacks, but in the end Bond never dies," he said to applause. " "

Papa McBride and the backup copy

[Thurn und Taxis]

Darl "The Man Who Couldn't Spell Daryl" McBride was quoted as saying "The very DNA of Linux is coming from Unix" [eweek.com]. Later that day Tler McBride, the father of Darl, moved for an injunction in federal court to prevent Darl from living. "His DNA is unfairly derived from mine," Tler said, "and unless he's willing to pony up $699 per cell for a license I just can't allow him to continue stealing from me like this."

Darl replied with a lawsuit of his own. "Copyright law specifies that you're allowed to make one, and only one, copy of your DNA, for archival purposes only. We've convinced people who have signed our NDA, and we will prove in court that Tler McBride created billions of copies of his DNA over the course of several years, and distributed those copies to the public using the GPL (Governmental Public Lavatories) as a cover." McBride added, "Free as in beer may have brought him and my mother together, and may have brought Bill and I together, but if you pinko commies think you can stop us from exploiting the marketplace for personal gain, you've got another thing cumming! Except for the DNA, of course, which is constitutionally protected."

OT: (You forgot the best part....)

[TitaniumFox]

SCO: So, it is down to you, and it is down to me...if you wish Linux dead, by all means keep moving forward.
IBM: Let me explain...
SCO: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
IBM: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
SCO: There will be no arrangements...and you're killing Linux.
IBM: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
SCO: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
IBM: You're that smart?
SCO: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard or Kernighan, Ritchie, Torvalds?
IBM: Yes.
SCO: Morons!
IBM: Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
SCO: For the kernel? To the death? I accept!
IBM: Good, then untar the source code. [SCO# tar -xvfz code] Inhale this but do not touch.
SCO: [taking a vial from IBM] I smell nothing.
IBM: What you do not smell is our patent portfolio. It is odorless, tasteless, and dissolves instantly in source code and is among the more deadly portfolios known to man.
SCO: [shrugs with laughter] Hmmm.
IBM: [turning his back, and adding the patents to one of the code trees] Alright, where are the patents? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both compile - and find out who is right, and who is dead.
SCO: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine it from what I know of you. Are you the sort of company who would put the patents into his own source code or his enemies? Now, a clever man would put the patents into his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the code in front of you...But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the code in front of me.
IBM: You've made your decision then?
SCO: [happily] Not remotely! Because Linux's SMP code originally came from England(1). As everyone knows, England is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So, I can clearly not choose the code in front of you.
IBM: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
SCO: Wait 'till I get going!! ...where was I?
IBM: England.
SCO: Yes! AH! And you must have suspected I would have known the source code's origin,so I can clearly not choose the code in front of me.
IBM: You're just stalling now.
SCO: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong...so you could have put the patents in your own code trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the code in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied...and in studying you must have learned that Man is mortal so you would have put the patents as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the code in front of me!
IBM: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
SCO: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the patents are!
IBM: Then make your choice.
SCO: I will, and I choose...[pointing behind IBM] What in the world can that be?
IBM: [turning around, while SCO switches goblets] What?! Where?! I don't see anything.
SCO: Oh, well, I...I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [SCO laughs]
IBM: What's so funny?
SCO: I...I'll tell you in a minute. First, lets compile, me from my code and you from yours. [They both compile]
IBM: You guessed wrong.
SCO: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched branches when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool!!

The latest SCO letter to Linux users

[hdparm]

DEAR SIR/MADAM:

I AM MR. DARL MCBRIDE CURRENTLY SERVING AS THE PRESIDENT AND CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER OF THE SCO GROUP, FORMERLY KNOWN AS CALDERA SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL, IN LINDON, UTAH, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. I KNOW THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOUR BECAUSE WE HAVE HAD NO PREVIOUS COMMUNICATIONS OR BUSINESS DEALINGS BEFORE NOW.

MY ASSOCIATES HAVE RECENTLY MADE CLAIM TO COMPUTER SOFTWARES WORTH AN ESTIMATED $1 BILLION U.S. DOLLARS. I AM WRITING TO YOU IN CONFIDENCE BECAUSE WE URGENTLY REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE TO OBTAIN THESE FUNDS.

IN THE EARLY 1970S THE AMERICAN TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH CORPORATION DEVELOPED AT GREAT EXPENSE THE COMPUTER OPERATING SYSTEM SOFTWARE KNOWN AS UNIX. UNFORTUNATELY THE LAWS OF MY COUNTRY PROHIBITED THEM FROM SELLING THESE SOFTWARES AND SO THEIR VALUABLE SOURCE CODES REMAINED PRIVATELY HELD. UNDER A SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT SOME PROGRAMMERS FROM THE CALIFORNIA UNIVERSITY OF BERKELEY DID ADD MORE CODES TO THIS OPERATING SYSTEM, INCREASING ITS VALUE, BUT NOT IN ANY WAY TO DILUTE OR DISPARAGE OUR FULL AND RIGHTFUL OWNERSHIP OF THESE CODES, DESPITE ANY AGREEMENT BETWEEN AMERICAN TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH AND THE CALIFORNIA UNIVERSITY OF BERKELEY, WHICH AGREEMENT WE DENY AND DISAVOW.

IN THE YEAR 1984 A CHANGE OF REGIME IN MY COUNTRY ALLOWED THE AMERICAN TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH CORPORATION TO MAKE PROFITS FROM THESE SOFTWARES. IN THE YEAR 1990 OWNERSHIP OF THESE SOFTWARES WAS TRANSFERRED TO THE CORPORATION UNIX SYSTEM LABORATORIES. IN THE YEAR 1993 THIS CORPORATION WAS SOLD TO THE CORPORATION NOVELL. IN THE YEAR 1994 SOME EMPLOYEES OF NOVELL FORMED THE CORPORATION CALDERA SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL, WHICH BEGAN TO DISTRIBUTE AN UPSTART OPERATING SYSTEM KNOWN AS LINUX. IN THE YEAR 1995 NOVELL SOLD THE UNIX SOFTWARE CODES TO SCO. IN THE YEAR 2001 OCCURRED A SEPARATION OF SCO, AND THE SCO BRAND NAME AND UNIX CODES WERE ACQUIRED BY THE CALDERA SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL, AND IN THE FOLLOWING YEAR THE CALDERA SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL WAS RENAMED SCO GROUP, OF WHICH I CURRENTLY SERVE AS CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER.

MY ASSOCIATES AND I OF THE SCO GROUP ARE THEREFORE THE FULL AND RIGHTFUL OWNERS OF THE OPERATING SYSTEM SOFTWARES KNOWN AS UNIX. OUR ENGINEERS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT NO FEWER THAN SEVENTY (70) LINES OF OUR VALUABLE AND PROPRIETARY SOURCE CODES HAVE APPEARED IN THE UPSTART OPERATING SYSTEM LINUX. AS YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE, THIS GIVES US A CLAIM ON THE MILLIONS OF LINES OF VALUABLE SOFTWARE CODES WHICH COMPRISE THIS LINUX AND WHICH HAS BEEN SOLD AT GREAT PROFIT TO VERY MANY BUSINESS ENTERPRISES. OUR LEGAL EXPERTS HAVE ADVISED US THAT OUR CONTRIBUTION TO THESE CODES IS WORTH AN ESTIMATED ONE (1) BILLION U.S. DOLLARS.

UNFORTUNATELY WE ARE HAVING DIFFICULTY EXTRACTING OUR FUNDS FROM THESE COMPUTER SOFTWARES. TO THIS EFFECT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE MANDATE BY MY COLLEAGUES TO CONTACT YOU AND ASK FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE. WE ARE PREPARED TO SELL YOU A SHARE IN THIS ENTERPRISE, WHICH WILL SOON BE VERY PROFITABLE, THAT WILL GRANT YOU THE RIGHTS TO USE THESE VALUABLE SOFTWARES IN YOUR BUSINESS ENTERPRISE. UNFORTUNATELY WE ARE NOT ABLE AT THIS TIME TO SET A PRICE ON THESE RIGHTS. THEREFORE IT IS OUR RESPECTFUL SUGGESTION, THAT YOU MAY BE IMMEDIATELY A PARTY TO THIS ENTERPRISE, BEFORE OTHERS ACCEPT THESE LUCRATIVE TERMS, THAT YOU SEND US THE NUMBER OF A BANKING ACCOUNT WHERE WE CAN WITHDRAW FUNDS OF A SUITABLE AMOUNT TO GUARANTEE YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ENTERPRISE. AS AN ALTERNATIVE YOU MAY SEND US THE NUMBER AND EXPIRATION DATE OF YOUR MAJOR CREDIT CARD, OR YOU MAY SEND TO US A SIGNED CHECK FROM YOUR BANKING ACCOUNT PAYABLE TO "SCO GROUP" AND WITH THE AMOUNT LEFT BLANK FOR US TO CONVENIENTLY SUPPLY.

KINDLY TREAT THIS REQUEST AS VERY IMPORTANT AND STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL. I HONESTLY ASSURE YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL AND RISK-FREE.

Re:The End is Near

[joebeone]

Man someone should doctor up this photo so that Slashdot would have two borg icons... we could replace caldera with the SCO-mcbride-borg adaptation... if only I was an artist.

The SCOp Opera

[Reziac]

Actually, at this point, I'm expecting SCO to sue God or something like that, since his "creation" incorporates works derivative of Unix.

Nah... God will just countersue, because in making UNIX, SCO incorporates works derivative of "creation". ;)

Pattern Recognition Experts

[Catharz]

"McBride said pattern-recognition experts SCO hired have ferreted out a slew of infringing code in Linux."

Hey, they've got one's and zero's all through their code just like ours. They must have copied it! $$$

Re:OT: (You forgot the best part....)

[Ibix]

5 * (c) 1998-99, 2000 Ingo Molnar

"My name is Ingo Molnar. You steal my source code! Prepare to die!" Sorry...

Re:OT: (You forgot the best part....)

[adric]

"My name is Ingo Molnar. You steal my source code! Prepare to die!"

Shouldn't that be "Prepare to vi!"?

Brilliant, put I think the other part...

[TheConfusedOne]

...would have been better.

Anyone have the script to the "To The Pain" section? That sounds more like what IBM is going to be doing to SCO.

I can see it now...

IBM: First, I'll drive down the value of your stock. Then, I'll raid your entire patent portfolio...

SCO: Yes, then you'll drive us into bankruptcy...

IBM: No, your company I shall leave intact so that every business who worked with you can stare upon your hideousness and say, "My god, what a hideous company"...

Or something like that.

Re:Brilliant, put I think the other part...

[Specter]

Ok, you asked for it:

IBM lies as before, not a muscle has moved, his head is still on the headboard, Yellin's sword at his side. Linux is alongside the bed; her eyes never leave his face.

Linux: Oh, IBM, will you ever forgive me?

IBM: What hideous sin have you committed lately?

Linux: I got 0wn3d. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.

IBM: It never happened.

Linux: What?

IBM: It never happened.

Linux: But it did. I was there. Darl said, "All your code are belong to us."

IBM: Did SCO win its lawsuit?

BUTTERCUP: Well, no, we sort of skipped that part.

IBM: Then you're not 0wn3d-- if Chewbacca has fur you must acquit (a pause) -- wouldn't you agree, Your Slimy-ness?

CUT TO: Darl, entering the room, staring at them. He pulls out his sword, Boies.

Darl: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the death.

IBM: No. (a little pause) To the pain.

Darl: (about to charge, stops short) I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.

IBM: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you wart-hog-faced buffoon.

Darl: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.

IBM: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your so-called trade secrets, below the ankles, then your copyrights at the wrists, next your patents.

Darl: -- and then my trademarks, I suppose. I sued you too slowly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

IBM: I wasn't finished -- the next thing you lose will be your market capitalization, followed by your investors--

Darl: (takes step forward) -- and then my customers, I understand. Let's get on with it --

IBM: Wrong! Your customers you keep, and I'll tell you why --

CUT TO: Darl. And now he stops, and the look that was in his eyes at the wedding, that look of fear, is starting to return.

IBM: -- so that every shriek of every CIO at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish -- every IT manager that weeps at your approach, every system administrator who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in the ears of your perfect customers. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

CUT TO: Darl, doing his best to hide the fear that keeps building inside him.

Darl: I think you're bluffing --

IBM: It's possible, pig -- I might be bluffing -- it's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only suing you for infringment of four of my patents because I lack the interest in finding the thousands of others -- then again, perhaps I have the interest after all.

And now, slowly, IBM begins to move. His body turns, his feet go to the floor, he starts to stand --

CUT TO: Darl, staring, eyes wide.

CUT TO: IBM. And now he is standing, lawyers in fighting position.

IBM: -- DROP YOUR LAWSUIT!